Picture by Lin Morese
In a previous post, I detail a life of sitting at the center table on rooftop bars, covering my eyes on altitudinous mountain roads and keeping a distance from soaring vistas. Lifelong acrophobia had been negatively impacting me for way too long and I was ready to take it to the mat.
Researching the topic, I learn the psychological community has had great success in fighting phobias with systematic desensitization. One methodically exposes oneself to greater and greater doses of the fear-inducing situation. As the exposure increases, the fear gradually recedes.
After much consideration, I decide to create my own systematic desensitization plan. I already know my ultimate goal: I want to summit Angel’s Landing in Zion National Park. It is a crazy narrow rock formation, a half mile long, with incredible summit views of the canyon 1500 feet below and cables, due to the perilous drops, draping much of the trail. Intertwined in its online descriptions are multiple warnings for anyone who has a fear of heights, enhanced by death counts of previous climbers. It is the perfect, horrifying “I beat acrophobia” final test.
I figure my desensitization plan will consist of watching terrifying videos of hikers climbing Angel’s Landing, sitting near the edge at rooftop bars, and taking every opportunity to expose myself to heights. Physically, I have big ideas about getting in shape and losing weight so I will have the best possibility of succeeding. I also decide I will need some new equipment to streamline my body for this trek and some supportive friends who will not be irritated by my fears. In addition, I am hoping to actually enjoy the experience…and not throw up.
Welp…that was the plan and here is how it actually went down:
In the three months I had to prepare for my summit attempt, I watch Angel’s Landing videos but cannot get over being terrified, so I stop. I also learn there are not a lot of potential acrophobia-inducing spots in Orange County (maybe that is why I moved here) therefore I do not gradually expose myself to increasing doses of fear. I do not get into better shape by joining a climbing gym and I think I put on weight. I did get a streamlined backpack from REI and Eastside Sports in Bishop held my hand in the shoe buying process throwing in some “You can do it!”s, just for good measure, but that was about it.
Thankfully, my friend Skippy signs on for the challenge. She is the perfect companion. She is energetic, well-coordinated, and has summitted Mt. Whitney twice, even assisting others along the way. In addition, she is a lot of fun and a really nice person who will not become exasperated with me and my fears.
We drive up to Zion on a Saturday. I purposely reserve a room for four nights. I figure this will give us plenty of opportunities to summit. We can go every day until I freak out and need to turn around. (Of course, Skippy can continue.) My fear should start receding after a couple of attempts and I figure I can complete the hike on one of our remaining days. I want to give myself every chance for success. Checking the weather, my plans and backup plans are foiled. Sunday is sunny but thunderstorms are predicted for Monday and Tuesday. One obviously does not want to be on a solid rock peak, with no shelter, during a storm or even on the days following a storm. Slippery rock and mud do not make for a safe summit attempt. Sunday is our only window.
During this time, I do not think about the hike. I am burned out from worrying about it. Even the night before, I do not think about it. There is nothing intentional in my actions, I just do not think about it. Being a person who usually ruminates and worries, I was certain this would be part of the process. For some reason, it is not, and I am so glad.
On summit morning, we wake at 5:15 and trek to the coffee shop. I am surprised by how many people are there. I guess everyone has read the websites warning hikers to start early. (Angel’s Landing has a single-track trail and less hikers make for fewer harrowing two trekker pass situations on the extremely narrow path.)
During our stay, portions of Zion are closed to cross traffic and shuttles are the only option for accessing the park. We arrive at the shuttle stop finding a hoard of people. (Come to find out, everyone wants the Angel’s Landing patch on their backpacks!) The first shuttle is packed so we take the second and everyone exits at the trailhead. Long streams of early sunlight shine on the red washed mountains. It’s going to be a beautiful day.
Picture by Mary Minerman
Standing at the entrance is a sign with a hairy picture of the last half mile of the trek, Angel’s Landing. It warns of seven people falling to their deaths. I know, for a fact, this number is incorrect. There were two deaths the previous year and one a couple of weeks ago. (I like to feed my acrophobia beast by googling horrible death-by-falling stories.)
We cross a sweet little footbridge, fording the Virgin River, to a paved trail. I marvel at how civilized it all appears. There are switchbacks crisscrossing the broad rock formations and we quickly ascend from the valley floor to a narrow canyon. The sun is unable to find us and the jackets we shed at the trailhead are zipped up.
We arrive at Walter’s Wiggles, consisting of 15-20 switchbacks, and named after a park ranger. The contrast between the goofy name and the terror-inducing conclusion to this trail is not lost on me.
After becoming a little winded, we reach Scout Lookout. It is very civilized with bathrooms, people sitting on big rocks eating and sweeping views of the Virgin River and the canyon below. Using a sexist term, this is the area separating the men from the boys. Hikers, who do not want to attempt Angel’s Landing, wait here for the hikers who do. I see a lot of boys waiting for their men to return or perhaps a lot of men waiting for their boys to return. I am not sure which.
We fortify ourselves and Skippy looks at me. “You ready for this?” I nod. We don our cable gloves and make our way to the Angel’s Landing trailhead. Neither of us mention the second sign warning hikers again of possible death.
I used to wonder how doctors handled the stress of the life and death consequences of their actions. Now, I think, I know. They do not focus on the outcome because it is just too important. They attend to each precise task driving them to the desired conclusion. And this is what I do. I systematically find a good foothold, secure a portion of cable, place my foot and move forward. I do not take pictures. I do not look around. I do not do anything but secure a strong foothold, grasp the cable tightly with both hands, and move myself forward.
Here and there, I spot the Virgin River coursing the canyon 1500 feet below in my peripheral vision, but I do not consider it. If I do, I fear, I will freeze.
We come upon a sloped rock face, without cables, opening abruptly to the chasm below. I drop on all-fours, lean into the hard surface, reach for and finally grab the cable on the far end. These chains are my umbilical cord to the mountain, and I cling to them accordingly.
Edging our way up the trail, we find a man sitting defiantly clutching the cable. He gives me an “I’m not moving” look. I grasp the cable on one side of him with my left hand, swing around his body and plant my right hand on the other side, so I am basically hugging him. “We really should be dating,” I say. He looks a little too terrified to respond but I’m still pretty proud of my Tom Cruise-like verbal repartee in these circumstances. Come to find out, I am kind of cool when I am afraid.
The cables grow taunt and slack depending on who is grasping them. Sometimes I reach for one and barely get my grip. Other times, they are loose, and I feel a disconcerting 3 to 4-inch release. I just hold on. There are areas with long gaps between cables and I question the installers’ rationale. In one spot, I sit down and slide on my rear to across it. On others, with extremely hairy drops( I choose not to acknowledge) I ask awkward teenage boys, expert Japanese climbers with all the gear, jovial middle age men, members of a rambunctious Spanish speaking sports team, energetic purpose-driven college girls, or my sweet friend Skippy, to hold my hand so I can reach the next cable. None hesitates to assist me. I wonder if this might be the answer to world peace. Force world leaders to climb Angel’s Landing together. The common connection of fear and universal purpose is very bonding.
But it is not all perfect. This is a single-track trail and there are hikers anxious to get this bucket list item checked. They tailgate, make exasperated sounds and sometimes just push past. Skippy and I find ourselves pulling off the trail a lot to let these characters by. One guy jumps off a rock behind me, does not plan well, teeters but regains his balance. Another man pulls out beyond the cables to take a picture on a slanted piece of rock, steps back, loses his balance but recovers. We all heave a sigh of relief, but this does not help my acrophobia abatement plan one bit.
The trail continues into a narrow, steep slot of rock. I grasp the cable to the side and hoist my body through it giving silent thanks for my nightly one-minute planks. Skippy easily pulls herself up; she does five-minute planks nightly. We continue our ascent, sometimes edging sideways grasping the cables, sometimes sliding our rears along high exposure (benign hiker term for big drop-off) areas where I get as close as possible to the mountain. We grasp the cable or the best possible handhold, place one foot, place the other and move forward.
Time becomes murky in this forward march. I am continuously solving mini problems of the best place to put my hand or foot. At one point, I look up and see we have quite a way to go and feel a little overwhelmed by the perils that await. I decide not to look again.
Onward we climb. Plant one hand, plant the other, place each foot and move forward. I am tall and realize this is helpful in reaching and having better options for foot and hand placement. It is not helpful in that I have a higher center of gravity and am less stable. And this is how I occupy my thoughts.
The final push is a broad sedimentary sweep with hollowed out footholds in the rock, leaving the cables along the cliff behind. Leaning into the mountain, we scale the slab and reach the top. A solo hiker congratulates us upon our ascent and assures us we are finally safe “up here”. But he certainly is not seeing what I am seeing. The top is about 8-10 feet wide with slats of rock at a 30 to 40-degree slope. You put a ball on it, and it is going to roll off. I continue pushing into the mountain.
Picture by Lin Morese
On countless videos, I’ve seen an oddly shaped mound of rock resembling a hornets’ nest at the summit. Pictures of a woman sitting cross-legged on it, and a man balancing himself in a perfect handstand on its pinnacle, clog the internet. I plod across the sloping ridge, find this landmark (it is not difficult) and touch it. We have officially completed Angel’s Landing! But actually this is not true. We are only half-way done. We still need to go down.
Savoring the summit, we sit ensconced in the roots of some badass tree that thought the top was a good place to grow. Skippy takes pictures and enjoys the view. Unfortunately, I am not great company. I do not look at the sweeping panoramic vistas or take pictures. I am still worried I might freeze.
After a few bites, Skippy looks at me. “You ready?”
We cross the sloping rock face, Skippy on two feet and me crab walking with my rear dragging along the rock. My clothes are assuming the distinct red cast of the area. She grabs my hand and relinks me to the cables. I place my feet in the same rock footholds along the cliff face and retreat to my familiar rhythm. Grasp the cable, plant one foot, plant the other and so forth. But trekking down is different. We are no longer working against gravity; we are now functioning in concert with it. The rules have changed, the margin of error is a great deal narrower and I am realizing momentum is a squirrelly beast requiring constant monitoring. I grasp the cable and rather than pulling myself forward, I plant my hand holds, using muscles I did know existed, lock my arm and gradually release the lock lowering myself downward. This is awkward but not our only dilemma. Having recognized the diminishing weather window for peak ascent, lines of ant-like hikers swarm their way up the single-track trail. Anxious, exasperated hikers.
Like the view of the Virgin River 1500 feet below, I cannot even consider this new pile of terror-inducing information. It is just too much. The trip up tested every synapse of my fear fighting ability. It moved my needle to full capacity, and I am now officially on overload.
Not knowing what to do, I retreat to the new rhythm. I grasp the cable with locked elbows, carefully place one foot, then the other and slowly unlocking my elbows move down. I come upon the rock slot again and this time I am not pulling myself up but lowering myself down. I turn around and go backward avoiding the rigid locked elbow move. Skippy turns to help me, but I have already managed on my own. Seeing the surprised look on her face, I feel inordinately proud.
In some spots we hear anxious hikers behind us and move off the trail to open spots. With no designated authority figure, climbers create their own systems in narrow areas, alternating downward and upward moving groups.
We make our way to an especially harrowing spot. The cables drape along a sharp cliff edging an extremely narrow trail tracing the sheer drop into Refrigerator Canyon 1500 feet below. (For the record, a park ranger told us this is where officials usually find the bodies.) Two guys ahead of Skippy come head-to-head with hikers trekking up the trail. The guys grasp the cables swing their legs above the abyss and move around them. The opposing direction hikers expect Skippy to do the same. She refuses and we are at a stalemate. Everyone is frozen. Finally, a problem-solving college girl makes room to the side and Skippy and I sidle up next to her. The obstinate hikers pass, we reenter the trail and continue our slow methodical labored trudge down.
I do not think about finishing because I do not want to be anxious and do anything stupid. I continue placing my hands and locking my elbows on the cables or rock outcroppings and planting each foot and propelling my body downward. There almost becomes a rhythm to the movement and I start feeling more self-assured and almost take a little pleasure in the process. I am not sure if it is my surging confidence or because we are approaching the end of Angel’s Landing.
Coming across the final cables I feel nothing. I’m so entrenched in denying reality I cannot acknowledge we actually made it. We squat down on a sloping pile of rock at Scout Lookout and somehow, I manage to fall off. Hikers around me start laughing and cracking jokes about my timing. I do too, relief washing over me.
Upon finishing the hike, I thought I would feel empowered and more ready to take on the world. Instead, I am conflicted. We saw plenty of spots where falling was a very real possibility. We put our lives at risk for what? Were we thrillseekers or dumb asses? Skippy agrees with me and says she is not sure if it is Angel’s Landing or the Devil’s Playground.
The After Aftermath
Now, a month later, as the memory of the ascent and the possibility of death is fading, I am glad I did it. I did not think I could. I fought my acrophobia, learned skills for managing terror, feel braver and as a result will live life more fully. I already have taken on some of my other fears. I watched a horror movie, did some extreme distance driving and scheduled a hike with the possibility of some harrowing drop offs. Skippy is taking it one step further and talking about doing Angel's Landing again. She wants to go back during an uncrowded time of year, stay closer to the trail head and bring her thrill seeker daughter with her.
Maybe I’ll join them…
A bad date can be soul crushing. All that preparation, excitement and hope… Maybe he was staring at the woman in the next booth or he made some sexist comment or he accidentally-on-purpose forgot his wallet. You come home wrung-out and sad because you thought it would be different this time. Here are some ideas to get you out of that post-bad-date slump:
*Read The Spinster’s Guide® to Dating. You can get the digital copy in 5 minutes! It’s packed with funny and heartwarming dating stories, quotes, statistics, cartoons, etc. to make you laugh and forget all about your crappy evening.
*Talk to a friend. I’ve asked my sister to take 1 minute and tell me all the reasons I should not feel sad about a bad date. I felt totally renewed after those 60 seconds.
*Write in a journal. I’ve written letters, with absolutely no intention of sending them, about why I’m so upset, hurt, and disappointed. It’s very cathartic!
*Read: It’s Called a Break Up Because It’s Broken. The book is by a former writer of Sex and the City, and his wife. It’s hilarious and uplifting with stories about psycho-breakups. You have the comfort of knowing, you may be a mess but not that big of a mess.
*Go for a walk or run. The rhythm and pumping of blood make one feel more centered.
*Listen to a funny podcast or book. If you like true crime, My Favorite Murder might be a good choice. If you want to dip into politics, Real Time with Bill Maher is an option.
*Organize a closet or your drawers. There is something soothing in putting your possessions in order.
*Clean. Use some good smelling cleaning supplies and have at it. I always include a goblet of wine and some big band music.
*Self-care. Condition your hair, paint your nails, pluck your eyebrows or sit in a hot tub. Do something to make you feel cared for because he certainly did not.
*What did you learn from the date? What went wrong? Was anything your fault? Look at it as a learning experience for the future.
Lastly, good for you for getting out there! You’re being bold and living your life. And that, dear reader, is a very good thing.
Mary and Vickie are two gorgeous women rocking life! These adventuristas have a boatload of friends but still love traveling on their own. Campervanning in Utah, touring the mysteries of China, or gazing at the Northern Lights in Alaska, they are living their lives to the fullest and are inspirations to all of us about life’s opportunities. Fortunately, I was able to catch them between adventures and ask about their bold lifestyles.
SG: Thanks so much for meeting with me. What have been your best adventures?
Mary: Facebook pops up those memories all the time, and there have been so many. Two years ago, we had so much fun in Yosemite with great friends…just one of many amazing adventures.
Vickie: Going to Yosemite in the winter with our snowshoes was wonderful.
SG: I thought that was Yellowstone.
Vickie: We did that too.
SG: You’ve done Yellowstone, Alaska, and Yosemite?!
Vickie: Yes, during the winter with lots of snow.
SG: Do you prefer winter because there are not as many people?
Mary: We wanted to see Yellowstone National Park at Christmas with snow, so we went in the winter. And then we went to Alaska to see the Northern Lights.
Mary: What always comes to mind, as a favorite, was my 10-day very remote Green River, Utah canoe trip. It was an ideal year and I trained a lot for it. I was so afraid I would not be able to paddle all those days. It was magical. Just incredible. (Don’t get any ideas, dear Reader, Mary did not do this by herself!)
SG: Sounds amazing. Vickie, what was your favorite?
Vickie: When I was married, we hardly went out of Southern California. So, my very first trip that I took by myself was China.
SG: You did that by yourself. Was it a singles’ trip? Did you pay the singles’ supplement?
Vickie: Yes, because I wanted my own room. And that was exciting because it was my first big international trip.
SG: It’s like you skipped some steps!
Vickie: Yes, next was Thailand where I scuba dived. Those beaches… It was incredibly beautiful. But all my other trips were good too, but that was just so new. I was learning to travel. Now I go alone and look forward to going alone but I also love my group. Our trip to Havasupai…
Mary: Havasupai was incredible in many ways.
SG: Does doing things by yourself come easily to you?
Mary: Very easily to me. I’ve also mostly been on my own since childhood. I was raised in an independent atmosphere and learned to do for myself and solve my own problems. I suppose this is partly why it’s easier for me. I’m independent and feisty.
SG: What made your trips so great? Some people would be sad, they did not have a partner. What was so great?
Mary: Anything outdoors, anything adventurous, with good people or alone is great. The interest and enthusiasm is the key. If I can’t have good people, I’d rather just be with me.
Vickie: You have to love travel.
SG: What adventures have you done by yourselves?
Vickie: Besides China, last year I went to Whistler on my own. That was really fun. And the year before I went to Jackson Hole. I did a kayaking tour on Jackson Lake. The first time I went to Alaska I went with the Sierra Club, but I did not know anybody. Whistler and Jackson by myself without a tour group.
SG: Did you get lonely?
Vickie: When I’m alone I always schedule day tours, or I have an agenda. No, I’m not lonely. When I retire, I’m going to buy a one-way ticket to Spain and I just want to hike the Camino by myself.
SG: I find you plan something by yourself and people want to come.
Vickie: For certain things, I like traveling alone. I love being in an airport by myself, my own hotel room, my own agenda.
SG: Mary, do you ever feel alone in your camper van?
Mary: No. I feel cozy, safe, and secure, mostly because of my faith and relationship with God. I also enjoy meeting new people and find it easy to do so because of the setting and the common interests, space, and circumstances.
Vickie: That’s where I’m different. I don’t meet a lot of people when I’m by myself.
SG: You like it that way?
Vickie: No, I would like to meet more people. I just don’t. Sometimes when I go on my day trips maybe…. When I travel alone, I always sit at a bar, get my wine. I have my book and I order my dinner. I’ve had men come and sit and talk but it never goes beyond…which is perfect.
Mary: Your book is taking the place of a friend.
Vickie: I’m so comfortable doing that.
Mary: When we have a book or our phone, we’re appearing somewhat closed, I think.
Vickie: True, but it gives me confidence to sit there by myself. Because I don’t have to look around or make eye contact with anyone, I can just feel comfortable and it’s interesting. It’s not just boring because I have a book and it’s so much more interesting than reading in my room.
SG: You both have your different strategies, but you really enjoy traveling together.
Vickie: I would never want to do all trips alone. Sometimes I get a little overwhelmed when there are so many people, but I also love it when there is a big group of us. It’s nice to have variety.
SG: I notice you both have guy friends. I think that’s a challenge because sometimes there are misunderstandings. How have you navigated that?
Vickie: Very careful. Do not give any signals at all. I give no signals…
Mary: I give signals all the time and I get in trouble. I’m very flirty apparently… I’m being my sarcastic, feisty self and I can get in trouble, but I love my men friends who can handle it.
SG: It is very charming.
Mary: I cherish them. I really do.
Vickie: Me too!
SG: Right?! How do you find friends to accompany you? Meetups? Church?
Mary: Prior hiking meetups opened up a wonderful circle that grew and changed as the years went by, and we’re still adding to it.
Vickie: Facebook events…every day of the week you could do something.
Mary: Facebook is huge. That’s where I’ve met a lot of people doing what I do. Every day of the week there’s probably 10 things you can do according to your interests.
Vickie: Sometimes I sign up for events where I’m not that wild about the people, but I go because if you say yes to things and you meet people, you’re more likely to get invited to other fun things. If I’m free and interested…I go.
SG: And then you meet your people…
Mary: There’s no excuse to stay home and be lonely.
Vickie: I read something today: I really want to be invited but you know I’m not going to come. That is why people are lonely, they need to say, “Yes, I’ll be there.”
SG: Do you have any advice for women who would like to be like you? Getting out there and being adventurous...
Mary: I’m counting on you to compile all that. It gets really old…
SG: You mean people who talk about…
Mary: How do you do it? Why do you do it? Why don’t you have a friend? Why don’t you have a man? I want to do what you do, but I’m scared.
Vickie: You have to have a strong desire to want to do it. Some people love sitting home watching TV. They do it every night.
Mary: You only have so many tomorrows. Stop finding excuses not to do it.
Vickie: There’s just not enough days in the week. You have to have the desire to get out of your comfort zone.
SG: Do you think there’s any way to get that desire? People want to be like that but it’s frightening to them. How do you not be afraid?
Vickie: Find something interesting in like Meetup…something that meets every week…a class or series of events. Something where you’re going to have more than one encounter with the same people. Mary, when we met, we hiked every week. If it had been a one-time thing…I never would have gotten the friendships I did. We would have never made the connections we made.
On traveling in a campervan…
Mary: Start small. It’s all within and maybe you can foster that…gumption, strength, baby steps, all you can do is try.
Vickie: You can’t be doing these things to meet a man. You have to be doing this to enjoy life. If you’re doing all this to meet a man you might as well…
SG: …be disappointed.
Mary: Some women always had a man to deal with it and that made all the difference for them.
SG: Are you ever afraid things will go terribly wrong?
Vickie: I’m not but I’m always thankful because things can go seriously wrong. Even with a friend.
Mary: If it weren’t for GPS I wouldn’t…couldn’t… The old days with a Thomas Guide I’d break into a sweat…always worry about car trouble. But it doesn’t stop me. I just maintain, take care and do anything ahead of time to prepare. AAA
SG: Have you had any bad experiences?
Mary: No. Prepare as much as you can. Get the right gear. There’s every excuse in the world. If you can’t fix that, you can’t do it.
SG: Do you go places where you are all by yourself?
Mary: Yes, with the help of Facebook travel groups, apps and gut instinct.
Vickie: I always do a lot of research when I go by myself. I have an agenda, I know what I want to do. You don’t end up somewhere crazy.
SG: What are the advantages of going alone?
Vickie: You can do whatever you want, whenever you want…
Mary: What she said!
Vickie: When you’re alone you just do whatever you want. Sleep in. When someone turns on the TV in a hotel room, I just want to run out.
Mary: Do you really want to fall asleep to that at night?
SG: Anything you would like me to include which would make readers more comfortable?
Mary: Keep it simple, google, plan.
Vickie: There are so many women’s tour groups as well. I mean just even day trips. My stepmother and all these women go all over Southern California. They have the best time.
Mary: I have so much gratitude to be able to do what we’re doing.
Vickie: What we do is cheap. Sleeping in your tent or campervan, you can afford to be gone for a month.
Mary: Yes, and traveling together, sharing expenses is great! Find someone who is a good match. You won’t agree on everything, but you have to be willing to compromise.
SG: From the outside looking in, it looks fabulous. Seeing you two on Facebook and all your adventures and how happy you are. There’s almost a giddiness.
Vickie: I have a friend who moved and is having a hard time meeting friends. We were lucky, we made friends fast. (Referring to connecting through Meetup hiking clubs.) When we would hike, we didn’t talk about jobs, the boss, troubles, you would talk about movies, trips, hobbies, books… I found my peeps!
Mary: And anything funny to make everyone laugh…everything seems to do that though.
SG: Go home and feel inspired…
Mary: Filled up
Thanks to Mary and Vickie for taking time out of their busy, adventurous lives to inspire us!
Dear reader, if you have any tips, please share in the comments section.
“All by myself, don’t want to be all by myself…”
~Celine Dion (“All by Myself”)
So, you were super busy all week, didn’t notice all the pink and red streamers at CVS, and completely forgot to corral your single friends for Valentine’s Day. Now it’s the big holiday and you’re all alone. What do you do? What do you do! Here are some ideas to pull your day-of-hearts out of the dumpster:
*Grab some popcorn, a cool umbrella drink and watch a rom-com. Bridget Jones’s Diary, Crazy Rich Asians, The Wedding Date, It’s Complicated, Last Holiday or Something New are all great choices!
*Start a gratitude journal. It’s a great way to shift your focus.
*Read: He’s Just Not That into You. This book, from the writers of Sex in the City, reaffirms what one wants from a relationship. It also reminds the reader, being in no relationship is better than being in a bad relationship.
*Do something creative. Paint, draw, write a poem, or create a song. Creativity nourishes one’s soul.
*Call a friend and go for a walk. Connecting and exercise are a powerful feel-good cocktail.
*Create a vision board. Refocusing one’s life on future goals is very empowering and self-affirming.
*Stop by your local shelter and volunteer. There’s nothing like unconditional dog or cat love.
*Make a delicious meal. Taking the time to treat yourself well reaffirms your self- value.
*Do something for someone else. Shifting focus makes one remember what is important.
*Create a beautiful valentine for yourself. Use feathers, glitter and all the stuff. Post on the bathroom mirror where you can see it every day.
*Buy flowers and create a colorful arrangement. Making your space more beautiful will lift your spirits.
*Read or listen to a great old-fashioned romantic novel like Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, Frenchman’s Creek, or Rebecca.
*Check out Facebook events. They always have stuff going on! (Thanks Mary and Vickie for the idea!)
There’s a lot of hype and expectation that comes with Valentine’s Day but you get to choose how you want to do it. I hope one of these ideas or a combination of them make your day a treat.
Happy Valentine’s Day, dear reader!
A few months ago, my friend Gail and I hiked up to Devil’s Bridge near Sedona. The end of this trail features a natural rock arch stretching around 50 feet above the canyon below. The path across is about 4-5 feet wide so you’d have to be trying pretty hard to fall off. At the access point, hikers, one by one, stride to the center of this arch and throw their arms in the air for a social media moment. When I was there, one woman smiling broadly at the camera, aligned her chakras and whipped her leg up into a tree pose. My photo moment was a little different. I quietly and slowly plodded across the natural bridge trying not to look down and keeping my knees bent. I’m not sure why I had my knees bent. I think I was trying to lower my center of gravity. I get to the middle of the rock arch and look back at the camera. I cannot put my arms in the air in a hurray gesture; I am using them as balancing devices. Feeling like I had won…a little, I turn to withdraw and freeze. I absolutely cannot move. There is a long line of non-acrophobics dying to cross the bridge and I’m stuck. Finally I turn, get on all fours and crawl back across, staring at the terra firma ahead of me. It was not one bit elegant and very embarrassing. Leaving, several fellow hikers ask if I was the one who crawled across the arch. Yep, that was me.
This acrophobia or the fear of heights has haunted me since high school and is incredibly burdensome. Hiking in the Grand Canyon, I actually forced my partner to turn around because I could not stand the terror any longer. And, I avoid high elevations with my daughter because she did not inherit one molecule of this fear and inevitably will want her picture on some precarious precipice. It takes every ounce of my will power not to swoop in and save her.
And don’t think I haven’t tried to get rid of it. I have purposely watched a terrifying video of a guy unicycling around the lip of a defunct smokestack in China, ziplined above the Costa Rican rain forest, ridden the tram to the top of Aiguille du Midi in the French Alps and stepped into the oblivion, dropping 10,000 feet tandem-skydiving. But, I’m still terrified.
I figure this is the year to fight back. Acrophobia has been messing with my life for a long time and I’m sick of it. After much thought, I’ve finally narrowed down my problem. I’m not afraid of flying and I love ziplining. I’m terrified when I’m the one in control in a high place. I guess I’m afraid I’ll accidentally but on purpose throw myself over the edge. Who accidentally on purpose throws themselves over the edge?! Researching, I learn this actually is a thing. Jean-Paul Sartre writes about it in his classic Being and Nothingness and the French have a word for it: L’Appel du Vide or “call of the void.” This is so not helping.
With more reading, I realize in the acrophobia realm, I’m not that deeply impacted. There are actually people who cannot climb on ladders or chairs. This makes me feel better although I have enormous empathy for those afflicted. I also discover a way to manage it: systematic desensitization. One exposes one’s self to acrophobia-inducing situations gradually growing in tenor and as a result the fear progressively recedes.
I decide to create my own systematic desensitization plan:
My ultimate goal is to hike to the top of Angel’s Landing in Zion National Park. This narrow trail features 1500 foot drops, smooth and slippery sandstone surfaces, cables, and an other-worldly view from the top. My palms get cold and clammy just watching the Youtube video of it. But, don’t worry dear reader, this goal is not beyond the realm of possibility. In these clips I also see women carrying their babies in Bjorns and 12-year-olds stealthily making their way up the trail. Also, in the past 100 years of hiking Angel’s Landing, only 7 people have fallen. I figure my odds of survival are pretty good.
In preparation I’m going to…
I need to get ready physically too. I’m going to…
Regarding equipment, I plan to give myself every advantage for success. I will secure
In planning this trip I will…
On hiking Angel’s Landing. I will…
I’ll report back periodically on how the training is going. Maybe you too, dear reader, have a fear. I hope this inspires you.
Being brave isn’t the absence of fear. Being brave is having that fear but finding a way through it. ~ Bear Grylls
P.S. I woke up last night in a cold sweat. This fear is bigger than I thought. I may need to do a little rethinking. And, I'm worried about you too, dear Reader. Be super safe and careful while addressing any fear. Fear is sometimes there for good reason. ;-)
Valentine’s Day is typically a time for celebrating romance. Unfortunately, without a partner, you feel a little left-out. How about redefining the day? Give a valentine to the world and make it a little better! Here are some ideas:
Give a valentine every month
Set aside a certain amount each month to give back. If there’s a massive fire and animals are misplaced, donate some much-needed funds. If you read about an organization in need, make a donation. It’s better than retail therapy! It’s philan-therapy!
Give a valentine to seniors
In my community there is a special Valentine’s Day party for seniors. Is there one in your area? Go volunteer and bring some homemade valentines. You’ll be the bell of the ball!
Give a valentine everyday
Be extra kind to people around you and use good manners. Good manners seem to be in short supply right now so your use of them will be especially noticeable. There’s an old saying about how well-behaved women don’t change the world. With women’s history, this has certainly rung true but right now, with all the poor behavior, I think the opposite might work better. Make the world better and do it with good manners.
Give a valentine in random acts of kindness
Do anonymous acts of kindness. Pay someone’s parking meter, return a lost animal, pick up trash, etc. We draw from the universe what we give to it. (I used to think this was a bunch of mumbo jumbo, but I’m finding it’s true.) Be the generosity and compassion you want to see in the world.
Give a valentine to the earth
Consider grooming trails for the Sierra Club, joining a beach clean-up or taking the extra effort to thoughtfully recycle. Carpooling, using public transportation and not wasting food shrink one’s carbon footprint. Not consuming resources is an excellent way to give back to our sweet Mother Earth.
Give a valentine to the American Heart Association
Check out the American Heart Association website. Donate money or your time in honor of your fierce, strong and steadfast heart.
Give valentine cards
When’s the last time you got a valentine card? Send valentines this year! (Have them printed at a local print shop.)
Give a valentine to a kid
Libraries often have tutoring programs after school. How about giving an hour to tutor? You might bring some valentines with little treats. (Please avoid candy. Having been a teacher, I know for a fact kids do not need more candy.)
Give a valentine to your community
Learn about a local museum or landmark and become a docent showing off the attributes of your area.
Give a valentine to your friends
Check out Spinster’s Guide® to 9 Ways for Celebrating Galentine’s Day with Your Friends or The Spinster’s Guide™ to your Pop Up Single Gal Party! for the perfect Galentine’s Day or Valentine’s Day with your friends.
Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Valentine’s Day does not have to be about romance and that special man. (Although, if you’ve got that…cool for you!) Celebrate love and Valentine’s Day in a different way and make the world a little better.
And know, dear reader, I consider you my valentine.
For this post on mingling hacks, I called in the experts. I have witnessed all three of them at parties and they truly own the room! These master minglers are: Jocelyn Blore, author of Blore’s Razor, Jonathan Miller, author of All Starships Go to HEAVEn, and Patti Rabun, teacher extraordinaire in Laguna Beach, California. I actually test drove their strategies at a party last weekend and came away with some great travel suggestions, a new vegetarian app (Tasty), a website for buying event tickets (Gold Star), some new friends and learned parties really can be fun! I hope these mingling tools enhance your party-going experience as well:
1. When you meet someone, use a mnemonic device to remember their name. Example: Her name is Betty and she has bangs. Think Betty Bangs for recall. It surprises people when you later greet them personally and they automatically like you because you took the extra time and effort to remember them.
2. At the food table, comment to a fellow party-goer about the cuisine. If there is something especially good, offer it to another guest raving: “You’ve got to try this!” It will start a conversation about the dish, and you can go from there.
3. Focus on one person at a time. You can use opener questions regarding how they know the host or an honest compliment about a clothes item or something else intriguing. Move the conversation toward topics of interest. I love talking about travel, books, trails, adventures, fighting fears and making the world better. Hearing them talk passionately about a subject can lead you to new passions!
4. Wear a message t-shirt. It creates an easy opener for other guests to connect with you. (I would avoid overly political t-shirts.) The Mingling Cat design in the Spinster's Guide® Boutique is the perfect choice for introverts and cat lovers alike!
5. Have some good anecdotes for opportune moments. Everyone loves a well-crafted interesting story! Funny and light work best and be sure to keep your tale short in larger groups.
6. Remember, everyone feels a little out-of-place so don’t be offended by anything others say. In their own awkward way, they probably just want to be liked.
7. When a conversation has run its course, excuse yourself to get something to eat or refill your drink.
8. Most importantly, it is okay to be by yourself and just watch others have fun. Soak in the richness of human connection!
Hopefully, these ideas will assist you in enjoying your next party! Please let me and my experts know how they work in the comments below. Or, if you have any other ideas, please share. We all want to have a good time!
Almost a decade ago, Leslie Knope, a character on Parks and Recreation played by Amy Poelher, announced she was celebrating a fictional holiday called Galentine’s Day. It is on the day before Valentine’s Day or February 13th, and a time for “ladies to celebrate ladies.” Since that episode, Galentine’s Day has exploded and women all over are partying with their friends. Here are some ideas to get you own Galentine’s Day or Valentine’s Day (without a date) party going:
Make it a potluck so no one person is doing all the heavy lifting. Have friends bring appetizers and name their dishes after inspirational women like: Ellen eggrolls or Michelle Obama mint cookies.
Gather red and white construction paper, pens, scissors and other card crafting paraphernalia (look in the craft section of your dollar store) and create beautiful homemade Valentine cards. Write personal notes and deliver them to a rest home or send to service members.
Make it a movie night! Choose a romantic movie like Casablanca, Crazy Rich Asians or The Princess Bride. Go the opposite direction and choose Gaslight (the word gaslighting actually came from this movie) or Fatal Attraction. If you want everyone teary, choose A Patch of Blue (you will fall in love with Sidney Poitier all over again but please know this movie can be very disturbing and will bring a lot of discussion) or West Side Story. Or go with an interesting Australian offering like Muriel’s Wedding or Strictly Ballroom. On the other hand, make it all about the girls and show Thelma and Louise or The Women. (Make sure you get the 1939 version!) Add to the fun and let your guests vote!
The Spinster’s Guide® to Your Popup Single Gal Party
Make it a spinster theme party! The Spinster’s Guide® to Your Popup Single Gal Party downloadable is packed with party plans, games, invitations, party hats and decorations, all with the inimitable Spinster's Guide® design, for easily creating the perfect insta-party!
Do something none of you has done before. Scale walls at a climbing gym, hike a new trail in your area, zipline across a canyon, or take a train somewhere interesting. Use your imagination!
Pull together recipes, food, utensils, pots, pans and set up stations around the kitchen where guest groups prepare different parts of a meal. Create salad, main dish, side dish and dessert areas. Be sure to have plenty of wine! (A friend did this years ago and we all still talk about what fun we had!)
Have everyone bring a white elephant gift with a Valentine’s Day theme. (You might be surprised at what pops up!) Each guest gets a number. Number one picks a gift and opens it. Number two can “steal” number one’s gift or choose a new one and so forth. Decide on 2 steals before the game starts.
Make it a game night! You can play Hearts or Old Maid, if you want thematic games. Or you can go with the more traditional Apples to Apples, Scattergories, Pictionary, or Trivial Pursuit. Spice it up and play Cards Against Humanity! (Consider your friends before making this decision!) You may need to adjust games according to the number of party-goers. For larger groups, set up game stations and rotate guests. Add to the fun and get cheesy prizes from the dollar store.
Hire an expert and take a dance lesson with your guests! Or play dance videos and learn the Macarena or some line dance moves. Have a dance contest to Dancing Queen, Funkytown, Flashdance, Crazy in Love, Smooth or Livin' La Vida Loca! Inspire party-goers with Bruno Mars’ Uptown Funk choreographed to movies from the 30s, 40s, and 50s. Even your most hesitant friend will have to move to these songs!
Mix and match ideas to make the perfect party. Whatever you decide, Happy Galentine’s Day! “It’s only the best day of the year!” (Thanks Leslie Knope!)
P.S. Check out the Valentine’s Day/ Galentine’s Day t-shirt using this blog design!
One of the biggest challenges of being single is loneliness. But it does not just hit people without partners, it is everywhere. In researching this topic, I found articles in the Harvard Business Review, Washington Post, The Guardian and on NPR. Even the former U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy is concerned and states there is a “loneliness epidemic.” So, if you are feeling lonely, you are definitely not alone. There are a whole lot of others who feel just like you do. Here are some ideas for finding your people, and perhaps learning something new, getting some exercise or making a difference in the world:
Churches, temples, synagogues, mosques, or other places of spirituality
Depending on your beliefs, this might be an excellent option for finding friends and gaining some spirituality along the way. I have noticed many of the larger organizations have small, more personalized groups and having gone to some of them, found people to be very kind. I think the best way to do this is: google potential places of spirituality, make a list of the ones you like, prioritize and try a new one every week or two. Not only will you meet some great people, you will also learn a lot and have a new appreciation of the world.
Meetup is an online site connecting people of similar interests. One can find groups for learning a language, traveling the world, dancing the tango, hiking Mt. Whitney, reading Kafka, investing in ETFs, creating apps, cooking Thai food etc. etc. etc. Years ago, I attended a hiking meetup and met a lot of fun people. We are all friends to this day!
Traveling abroad, I have found visitors in hostels to be especially nice. When I was in Edinburgh, Scotland eating breakfast, hostel guests sat down and joined me. There was a really sense of community and it was fun hearing about others’ adventures. My big concern was the partying 20-year olds but I was pleasantly surprised to find every demographic represented and visitors open to meeting others. I’m planning on doing some more research in the spring. (It was not all perfect. A friend and I went to another hostel with the word “backpacker” in its name and encountered urine on the stairs, holes in the ceiling leading to creepy places and a very disturbing shower.) I figure I will look at hostels on Hostelworld, research accommodations to avoid Euro-party spots/ disturbing backpacker crash pads and reserve a single. (At this point, I need my own room.) If you’re interested, look for my article in March or April!
Paraphrasing Oprah or some other sage of modern living: If you feel sad and alone, go help someone. It takes the focus off gloomy you and makes the world a better place. There is so much opportunity! Assist with a community fun run, socialize cats at an animal shelter, tutor someone who needs an adult in his/her corner, deliver Meals on Wheels, sign up to work with the Red Cross, cradle babies at the hospital, or take the CERT training and become an expert in community emergency preparedness. Not only will you be making the world better, you will meet other people who are doing the same thing!
Attend local city council meetings. Do you see a need in your community? Talk to city officials about starting a committee. Nothing unifies people like a cause. You’ll meet people and affect positive change in your community at the same time!
I have a friend who just took a singles cruise along the Dalmatian Coast and had a wonderful time. On these specialized cruises everyone is open to meeting others and tour operators are very mindful of bringing people together. I have never sailed the single seas but am looking into it. If you go first, please report back!
Check out the Sierra Club website! There are so many hikes, ways to help the environment, education opportunities AND, as an added bonus, meet people! They even have a section on international trips to help people around the world!
Attend a charity event! You can Race for the Cure, donate blood for Red Cross, play golf for Rylie’s Angels (one of my personal favorites!), etc. Meet new people and do some good!
Check your community and library event calendars online. There is a plethora of author talks, festivals, classes, book clubs, community theater events, trash pick-ups, nature walks, etc. Take your pick!
Animals are good for your health, enrich your life and make darn good friends. Maybe a pet would be a good option! Please keep in mind, they are also a huge commitment. I think the best entry into potential animal ownership is going to your local animal shelter and socializing the animals. If you enjoy that, try fostering an animal. You will become fully aware of the responsibility and can make an educated decision regarding pet ownership.
Just writing this piece has gotten me excited about all the opportunities out there! Try some of these ideas and report back! Or, let us know about your ideas! There are a whole lot of people in this world. No one should feel lonely...
P.S. How do you like my new “Find your clowder…” design!? (A clowder is a group of cats.) I wanted to combine the Spinster’s Guide® cats with searching for friends! Check out the Spinster’s Guide® Boutique for laptop sleeves, travel mugs, etc. featuring this new design!
After months of soul-searching, I’m realizing The Spinster’s Guide® to Dating moniker does not really fit anymore. My time on this planet is limited and searching for that special someone takes a lot of time and energy. Is this how I want to spend my remaining years?
An old adage reads: There is a lid for every pot. It means there is someone for everybody. But what happens if you don’t find your lid? What happens if you don’t find the yang for your yin or Prince Charming never arrives?! Do you wonder the world looking? Do you die unhappy and alone? No. Life is still great and full of surprises. It’s just going to look different from what you expected.
As a result of this new world view, I have decided to change my website from The Spinster’s Guide® to Dating to Spinster’s Guide®. This new site will be dedicated to women who have not found their lid and are pursuing lives well-lived.
I’m so excited about this change! There are so many areas to explore: hosteling in Europe, traveling alone, designing the perfect Valentine’s Day party for friends, fighting fears (I have a mean case of acrophobia), interviewing single women who are making it happen, giving back in meaningful ways, running for public office, actually creating a life well-lived, etc. etc. etc. I hope you’ll join me on this new adventure. Together we can “not find our lid and pursue a life well-lived!”
(New curator of Spinster’s Guide!)
P.S. Of course, you know what they say about once you stop looking…heh, heh…
P.P.S. My book The Spinster’s Guide® to Dating is still a lot of fun whether you’re dating or not!