Homo Sapien Mating Rituals

Excerpt from The Spinster's Guide to Dating

​   On any weekend, at the watering hole, in the vast expanse of the Orange County savannah, the homo sapien femalus cougarus assemble. These are nocturnal creatures traveling, often in herds, in search of their prey: the homo sapien maleus any-age-that-is-legal-us. These mature females populate the O.C. in vast numbers and can be identified by such common characteristics as lips giganticus, mammaries ginormous, perky bottomous, and lack of facial movement.

   As we watch from our special viewing station at one of the side tables, we see a homo sapien femalus cougarus enter. She is an especially fine specimen with open toe Italian stilettos and a glowing spray tan. We watch as she slinks to the watering hole, orders a dry white, and anticipates the arrival of her prey. She does not wait long before a homo sapien maleus enters. He is exemplary with his devil-may-care carefully coiffed hair, brand new faded jeans, and subtle but blaringly expensive Italian shoes.  She assumes the stalking position, turning her gluteus maximus provocatively at her prey  and eyes him suggestively over her shoulder.

​   Unaware of his predator, maleus casually struts a slow arc around the watering hole. Not frustrated by his inattention, femaleus  slowly pivots her gluteus maximus following her prey like the arrow on a compass, maintaining alluring eye contact.  As he slows, she slows. As he speeds, she speeds.  Finally he spots her. Pupils dilate, mirroring occurs, and attraction is established. The arc ends as maleus makes a bee line for femaleus and the species flourishes.
​
   The African Serengeti has nothing on the O.C. when it comes to mammal mating rituals.